roxanne

"ignorance is your new best friend..."

2009-05-24T12:34:52Z

Wow, its been forever since I wrote here. Literally. Although I've never been very good at keeping journals, even as a kid. I'd start one, writing in it religiously every day for about a week - and then it'd fall by the wayside and end up half-empty. I guess this is no different.

Anyways, what's been up? Hmmm. Where do I start? Probably at the beginning. Well, here goes...

After waving good bye to the wonderful world of touring for a while *weep*, I've been confined to the deep, fairly dark and damp world of filming. It's a lot more exposed than a tour. Although the hardcore hours are pretty much the same, I do like coming home to a proper bed and shower everynight. I was lucky enough to be asked back for the sequel, so I've not really left, and I have a sneaky suspision I'll still be here for the next two sequels to come. Oh well, at least I don't have to worry about packing up my stuff. I started by trying not to make a mess in our lovely little apartment, both Ashley and I were living out of our suitcases for a month or so, but as time went on things have gotten a little more... messy.... not dirty, but very messy. I like to think that beneath the scattering of clothes, cds, shoes, scripts, cables and dvds I could find anything I needed - but deep down I know that's a lie. Things are way out of hand, and neither of us can be bothered to spend our precious days off picking our crap off the floor. We barely have time to do laundry. But after living on the road for the practically the past six years, laundry doesn't seem to rate high on my list of priorities.

What is nearer the top of the list is the serious craving I have to paint our living room wall. Only, I can't decide what colour I want it. Ashley's no better. The wall is covered with tiny little tester swatches we've tried out, but most of them kinda look the same. And it's gotten to the point where we don't even see them anymore. It's only when visitors ask us what's up with the wall that we remember... That may be our job for next weekend...

But filming is ace, just like last year. As soon as we all landed, everything picked up from before. Still like one big, happy, slightly dysfunctional family. Even if the film itself is slightly questionable. But I don't want to beep my own horn, but *beep beep*, the music will be even better than last time round. I think Alex and I have outdone ourselves. That's why they pay us the small bucks. We should demand more. Like a bigger office space. Or a coffee machine...

I took as much time off as possible over the past few weeks to fly down to Cali and visit Hayles & the dudes. It's been more than nice to see them doing what they love best. In their element. King of the studio. Just being able to kick back and hang, chatting shite, cooking good food and chilling in the sun was amazing. It was like being home, even though we were a million miles from it. I've missed my home. My things. My friends. But we wrap in a couple of weeks, and I'll be done with post-prod in about a month, so it'll be an extended vacay till we're back for #3 in August. Joy and freakin rapture. Also, a little thank you to A-L Mac for generally helping me out and about town in the concrete jungle of L.A. Without you I'd have been well and truly screwed. And I definatley wouldn't have such an excellent tan or a brilliant Marc Jacobs dress...

I've improved greatly on my guitar hero skills since being here, I think I could quite happily take down Josh. Bring it on! It's also nice sitting about on set chilling with the cast and crew, everyone's so creative and talented, and it's a completely different environment from tour. Really relaxed and ecclectic. I'm building up quite the stack of music from everyone. Kristen's, like, a mixtape genius. Mixtape pride.

Speaking of mixtapes, Asher's finally made his new one. And it's pretty good. Despite the wait. And the postage fee I had to pay. The dude should really learn how to mail stuff. But I am in debted for the awesome "college" sweater he sent, it gets a lot of compliments.

What else is new? Oh yeah, Brendon. Or the lack of. If you'd told me this time last year, that we'd break up and I'd not speak to him, I'd probs have laughed in your face and asked if you were high. But now, I'm surprisingly cool with it. Actually, I think I prefer it this way. Let's just say, theres no love lost. At all. I wish him moderate goodness.

Wishing the guys all the best for the rest of their tour, I can't wait to come see it for myself, got my ticketos at the ready for my week of fun and rock. Or at least a week of roll. I'm so jealous I can't be there, but I know it'll all be brilliant. All the press so far has been ace.

As for me, today I've gotta book mine and Roberto's flights back to fair England, and possibly make a trip to the store cuz we're dangerously low on cereal. When Ash gets back from the gym we're off to a bbq at a friends. Chillaxing in the sunshine. Fact of the day: you CAN get a tan in Canada. Who'd have thunk it?

Anyhoos, have a good 'un whatever you're doing and wherever you're doing it. And sorry if I've not text or emailed you back (Matt, Josh and Amy, especially) I've been a bit rubbish lately. You know how I am.

One love, two times, x

"and i'll confess i can be a little selfish"..." - [home is where the heart is]

2008-10-10T12:27:32Z

so, it's been a while (that seems to be a running theme with my posts lately...) so let me fill you in on all the (un)glamorous things i've been up to since i last checked in.

went back home (nashville) for the weekend last week. was the nicest, most wonderful feeling i've had in such a long time. i don't want to get all "doom and gloom"on you, that's so not my style, but it's not like i've been particularly happy for the last ten years, but until the plane landed and the taxi pulled up to the flat i hadn't realised how big the hole in my heart had been. "home". well, let's face it, it's been my only real home for... well, forever, to be fair. i love my dad and my brothers, but shipping me off to boarding school meant i never considered the family house as home. school was welcoming, but hardly homely. neither was university. and since graduation, living on a tourbus hasnt been much of a home either. so our beautiful, noisy, messy, vibrant, welcoming, VERY crampt little flat is my first home and favourite place in the world. i love hayles, bren and nah more than words can say, and just being away for a few weeks (rather than months) has made me appreciate everything (even their crazy midnight bake-offs to "the best of 80's hip-hop collection"). so the fact i knew i could only stay a few days was unbearable.

back in london, sat in the office, trying to care that i can't book a flight for pete wentz and his wife, wondering what everyone around me would do if i just got up and walked out.

anyway - misery over. on to the good stuff! going home gave me a chance to pick up some different clothes (im sure my boss was sick of me wearing the same jimmy eat world tshirt every other day) and, drum roll please....... ITS SUNNY IN LONDON!!!!!!!!!! woo hoo! this is an anomalie that i plan on taking full advantage of. the guys fromt eh hip-hop floor have organised a massive bbq in the park after work. hell yeah! and then, of course, its friday which means salsa night - which is always a laugh.

so, although this was a rather pointless, rambling, depressive post, i'll make up for it with a stellar one next time (which WILL be sooner rather than later - pinky promise)

one love, two times, xxxx

throw it away, forget yesterday, we'll make the great escape..

2008-08-08T22:27:50Z

let me fill you in on the last couple of weeks in a sentence or two: spent pretty much all of last monday and tuesday running about the house with allen trying to pack and hunt for my passport (which has a mind of its own and always strays off) then flew out to vegas to meet up with the boys. thursday we headed to LA and pete very kindly showed us a good night about town and let us crash at his before, friday we flew out to the far east (or west, depending on where youre starting from) to singapore.

beautiful country, really it is. didnt realise how small it was, but saw some excellent things. the boys played a good couple of shows and did a bit of press, didnt get too much time to sightsee or get about, but it was a relaxed beginning to the tour. and then yesterday we flew into tokyo where we spent the last two days walking about seeing the sights and buying lots and lots and LOTS of cool stuff. lets hope weve still got room in our bags, tour doesnt end for another three weeks!

on a personal note ive got to say that im feeling more relaxed than i did last week. i think the thought of intruding on someone elses tour was scary. i know i know the guys, but to them im just brendons girlfriend who pops up every now and then, but to have to live and work with them in close quarters for five weeks - that was a terryfiying thought. i need them to like me, otherwise itll just cause a whole lot of unnescessary tension. luckily enough i already get on fabulously with ryro, and over the past few days after i mellowed out, things are looking up.

they play summersonic festival in tokyo later, and osaka tomorrow. itll be weird being back as last time i was here was two years ago with the monkeys - boy was that a whole different kettle of fish... good times. after japan, i think its a couple of dates in indonesia and then new zealand and australia for the remainder of the time.

my one big, massive, HUGE problem is: do i skip out early on tour and fly home to reading festival? ive already booked the time off work, so its not like theyll be expecting me to be there, but itll be the first festival ive missed in..... well, the first time i went was nirvana. so thats about 1992, jeez, i was practically a baby. itd be a shame to miss out this year, especially after the months of hell i endured in the booking office... but on the other hand, leaving tour means missing out on australia and cutting into my brendon time which, lets be honest, living on opposite sides of the planet doesnt allow a whole lot of time for.

on the up side, if thats the toughest thing about my life at the moment - im damn happy!

one love, two times, xx

(and as soon as i get my camera to upload, ill fill this with kickass pictures)

stereo

2008-07-16T18:59:12Z

well, life's pretty good. i'm writing this from the highly uninteresting location of my parents house. only a week left until i can go back stateside. i've got nearly two weeks to myself out there, think i'm gonna crash brendon for a day, drop by warped tour for a couple, and head out to see pete and his mrs and help make arrangements and decorate (after all, that's my forte...). and after that it'll be out to australia and the far east with brendon&co. should be the trip of a lifetime. we've got lots of downtime scheduled, so maybe i'll actually get to SEE some of the world this time - not just the airport, the hotel and the venue! guess i'm still pretty scared. after next week i'll be a proper, fully-fledged adult. now i know i'm more adult than most people my age, i've got a job, a house and a car - but i still like to think i'm just a student, carefree and excitable, with the world at my feet. but after i walk that stage with the degree in my hand, nothing will be the same again... i guess that's what growing ups all about.
"...as i'm swimming through the stereo i conduct a symphony of sound..."

i'm also a bit gutted that it'll be the most important day of my life so far, and my family can't make the effort to get along and come watch. and i understand my friends are all busy on tour or away recording - it's not their fault, they should have to be asked to come. but they've been ten times more supportive than my own flesh and blood. sometimes i can't understand what goes through their heads. they're always saying how i'm a disappointment with my "flakey" job which isn't reliable or a real, stable career (i've invited them to come see me in action at a gig but they make their excuses for that too so i can't even proove them wrong), and then when i do something they'd love, like graduate from university with an actual degree - they can't even muster so much as a "congratulations"? **** them. i think i'm better off without them. then there was the wonderful comment my brothers girlfriend made when i arrived the other day "i thought you were supposed to lose weight on tour?". deep breaths. stay calm. i thought. she's kind enough to point out the obvious. like i needed her observations to know that i've returned home looking like the goodyear blimp. but it's not all bad. i've missed my dad (i am the world's biggest daddy's girl) and it's nice to see the brethren after all this time. AND i pick up my results on friday. i may treat myself to some shoes if i've done well. there are a beautiful pair of YSL's i've had my eye on...

anyway, apologies for having such a whiney, self-obsessed rant. i've just had a particularly shitty day. on the shit-scale this one registered at a five-point-eight. buildings were toppled. minor cracks appeared. a few people were injured. sorry to the residents of roxanne. tomorrows forecast is for clouds with a hint of sunshine...

one love, two times, x

"killing in the name of..."

2008-07-13T13:53:41Z

tore. it. up. rage against the machine last night were by far one of my highlights of the summer - if not the year! so, so, soooooooo good. brendon&co were playing in Ireland at Oxegen yesterday and i was gutted that we'd be missing rage, but we all put our heads together and came up with a plan. and that plan included a helicopter. i'm honstly the luckiest person alive. made it just in time for a blowaway performance.

anyways, back to today - so i'm writing from the wonderful backstage area of T in the Park in Scotland. it's nice, and above all it's SUNNY!!!!! festivals are always better when you can tan. it's the standard little village of trailers, and we're parked next to The Ting Tings and Primal Scream - great neighbours. i'm waiting for the boys to get here, think they're having transport issues...

you know backstage areas are getting more and more geared up towards the showbiz people who attend festivals when you walk past tanning booths, hair salons and a gym all parked near the catering and bar tents. completely ridiculous. rant over.

i'm starved, gonna go grab a bite to eat (providing the catering line isn't too long...) and then maybe hunt down Kings of Leon for a table-tennis rematch. have a lovely day wherever you are in the world,

one love, two times, x

crackers and cheese

2008-07-11T20:03:49Z

why heeeeellllllllooooooo there!!!!

i woke up so stoked this morning. spending the day in my own house is the most lovely feeling ever. i've gone from tourbus chic (where paper plates and plastic cutlery is the height of fashion) to actual homey-love. packed away our fancy plates, lay on our clean rug and jumped about on my brand new bed. then took a trip to tesco's to stock up on some lovely nutritional food (ended up mostly grabbing junk food, but who's to know?).

allen nearly got into a fight with a guy in the carpark. i hate it when people are so impatient. he was calling her all the names under the sun cuz she was waiting to park and he couldn't get past. idiots. manners cost nothing, and people like that should remember that fact.

tomorrow i meet brendon&co in ireland for oxegen festival. let's hope that it's nicer weather than last year's - it was jammie's 21st birthday and it rained continuously from the moment we stepped onto site until the moment we left. shucks. then on sunday it's off to scotland for T in the Park, to find myself some serious audio-love. rage against the machine will be the highlight for me, but i've got a horrible feeling we're playing the opposite day to them, which would bite the big one. still, at least i'll always have reading festival as my back-up. the fact that i'm running the stage means i've got a much envied wristband to stand side-of-stage. joy. after T i have no idea what the boys are doing, but i've got loose ends to tie up with work, graduation ceremony and spending some much needed quality time getting myself reaquainted with my beloved london town. there are some record stores and shops calling my name. may even spend some time in the park, get a tan - shock, horror! i know alex&co are in-and-about recording and mastering, so may pop into the studio and terrorise them.

also think it's about time i got a new phone. the one i've got keeps losing the my schedules - which, let's face it, is pretty serious for a tour manager. plus there's the fact that it keeps turning itself off, and calling random numbers from my phone book. as much as i love james righton, i don't think he appreciates a call at 3am just because my phone felt like it... sorry mate.

after being inspired by hayley, jackie, brendon and nic, i've decided to get another tattoo (cuz i'm a total badass - not really) now all i got's to do is find time to book it...

there was so much i wanted to say earlier, but now that i'm here, all i can do is muster up this weak, sorry excuse for a blog. my apologies. next time'll be better - i promise! plus i should have some awesome pictures from this weekend to post...

one love, two times, x

"i'm in the business of misery, let's take it from the top..."

2008-07-08T15:35:06Z

i'm feeling a bit mixed today. deeply sad for no reason, but also a little bit happy - again, for no reason. but i can't help but think back to sunday night's show and how happy i was. which brings me to the whole misery business thing: "i watched his wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving you, just watch my wildest dreams come true, not one of them involving..." so that's made me smile today. called brendon for a chat and got ryan (brendon was busy doing an interview) who told me i'm one of the most hated women on the tour for being with him, and i should prolly watch my back for a rabble of teenage girls :D

and the feeling of absolute isolation has lifted. allen got on the web-chat today and we had a good old natter for the best part of an hour. she's back with her boy-shape, she dyed her hair (looks MUCH better) and showed me what she's done with the house, it's looking nice and i cannot wait to move in properly. it'll be hilarious.

not feeling too confident in the body-department. this tour's causing havoc for my weight. there's nothing nutritional to eat. the long days and strenuous work mean most of the food available is carb or fat. spent the last week making our way through texas which meant a bbq everyday. i've not really had a chance to work out, and the increasing temperatures mean everyone's spending their days in minimal clothing. i just feel really uncomfortable doing so, so i'm living in tshirts and jeans. it's like a vicious circle i can't break. round and round and round....

but all in all, it's going okay. i just wish that life was more like what we imagined as kids. you grow up, go to school, graduate from university, get a job, get married, have kids and grow old. sadly this isn't true - not at all. it's a lot more challenging, and you're not guarenteed anything. guess that means i should get back to work....

have fun, x

"look inside your tiny mind, and look a bit harder..."

2008-07-01T20:46:34Z

i am constantly amazed at what people are capable of. i know all my fiiends are amazing and talented in thier own ways, but when you actually see it, its something special. i think ive been so blinded recently with my own traumas and stress that ive been a really bad friend. ive not been nearly as supportive and caring as i shouldve been, and its all been about me - my new jo, my new flat, my new life - and kind of forgetting that everyone around me has a tough time and theyre also part of my life. so ive been taking time out, having a life inventory and piecing things back together.

thats what this whole weeks been about for me - opening my eyes to the wonder that the people i surround myself with everyday can accomplish. i mean brendon, wonderful amazing bden, who puts up with all my crap and moaning and who is sometimes the only person in the world who can look at my messed up jigsaw-of -a-life and make sense of it. ive been so stressed that ive put him on the back burner, almost forgetting what he does best. but seeing him walk out onto that stage and completely kill it made me cry. he and the guys put their heart and soul into the performance and all the songs sounded ace.

and take allen. ive only lived with her a short while, but ive known her for the best part of the last six years and shes constantly surprising me. the week before last i was lying on the floor reading magazines and searching the internet for another pair of ysl tribute heels (theyre just so beautiful...) and allen was watching tv, and all of a sudden burst out with a song. right there and then, while i was doing nothing, shed just written a song. wow. its not the best thing shes ever done, but it was a fully fledged song. im amazed.

hayleys offered to have me out for the next week to join her and the guys working on the warped tour. i think itll be nice to get away, get back to basics and do some hard graft. hopefully itll make me appreciate things that little bit more.

one love, two times, x

"upside down, you got me turning inside out..."

2008-06-29T21:51:46Z

so, soaking up the last few hours of this years glastonbury festival. gotta say that it was a good 'un as always (not nearly as awesome as last years, but that was the best weekend of my life). spent the begining of last week feeling totally alone, trying to get on with work, and trying to comprehend the sheer scale of the site - no matter how many times i go to worthy farm, im always astounded by the size.

by the time friday morning came about i was only too happy to see some familiar faces. first to rock up was alex+ alexa, followed by matt and then kelly o. the allen came in on a private chopper in the afternoon, ran into daisy (minus mark) and, of course, i cant forget brendon. bless him. the saddest thing was that he and the guys were only able to stick around for the day. i was wellie-mugged by matt again this year. this time the cheeky bugger left me stranded on a bench surrounded by mud for over an hour. brendon had to wade over and carry me out.

brendon was ace (but im biased, so i would say that), gutted i missed a lot of kings of leon, editors were pretty cool. also loved: the ting tings, vampire weekend, mgmt, mark ronson, massive attack, jay-z, the zutons, amy winehouse, pete doherty, last shadow puppets, kate nash, the cribs, foals, john mayer, neil diamond, the subways, jack penate, lupe fiasco, the wombats..... the list really does go on.

anyhoos, i best be off to catch the last half of the verve. just thought id check in, as ive been a bit spacey recently. but unusually for me, ive had the best weekend i can remember.....

one love, two times, x

stop there cuz we don't care anyways...

2008-06-07T22:12:52Z

completely forgot to mention the crazy happenings of tuesday night!

lily and kelly took me to the glamour magazine 'woman of the year' awards in london. amazingly funny. lots of beautiful women in beautiful dresses. i felt totally out of place - until i spotted ronson who looked terrified! he was the only guy to win anything, and looked like a deer in headlights the whole evening. still, i cant say ive quite got my head around him and daisy being a couple, but i guess its baby steps. the look pretty happy - even if hes nearly twice her age...

lilys hair was a commotion. the packet said to leave it in for 10 mins, but she chickened out and washed it out after less than 1 min, and it still came out pretty pink. think were dying it back tomorrow after brunch. i still think black was well better than blonde. kelly won best theatrical debut, which was unexpected, but i thinkshe was really gratful. so grateful, in fact, that she left her trophy at our house. its lovingly adorning our mantlepiece alongside lils one.

alexa was there looking long-legged and beautiful as always. think shes joining us on the autumn tour, whichll be nice to have another female to talk about clothes and hair with, but will suck the big one as she always looks good, and i spend most of my time on the bus looking like the back end of a bus.... dammit.

back to my grapes,

x

i take three steps forward and three steps back...

2008-06-07T21:43:40Z

well well well,

it's been one hell of a trip. i think i've had the best time i can remember. brendon (being the total and absolute sweetheart that he is) let me stay on tour for an extra three months! he wanted me to stay with him until australia, but i felt like i was just getting in the way on the bus... which i was, so i'm home for a bit, and then will fly out and join them in aus. cannot wait - especially afte last years aussie letdown. breaking my arm 30 mins after landing wasn't my finest hour, neither was spending the entire trip with an arm in plaster, avoiding any water. but this year will be better.

the only bad thing's been my weight. being on tour sucks. usually when i'm working i can keep myself busy, filling my hours with paperwork or on the phone to promoters and agents, or running around soudchecks. but as a guest.... well, that's a while other kettle of fish. just sitting around all day is the worst experiance of my life. brendon wasn't about to let me get a lie in, so he'd wake me up EVERY MORNING when the boys left for their lobby call. then i'd have to hang around until showtime, with only craft service to keep me company. and believe me when i say that's a LOT of donuts, crisps and subways. so now i'm right back where i started two years ago - fat. and i've got a kickass holiday down under to look forward to, not to mention working on all the bestest festivals. so i've worked out as three weeks to drop at least a dress size. hmmm, it'll be a challenge, but let's face it, it's not like i've got anything else to do!!!

one love, two times,

RoRy (realised the other day if i married ryan, i'd be RoRo and he'd be RyRy!!!!)

song of the day: 'give me what i want' kids in glass houses

fell off the face of the planet

2007-12-21T21:59:00Z

well. i'm back. finally.

i actually feel like i fell off the face of the planet. i've been gone twelve long and painful weeks, and it very nearly killed me. but now that i've been given the all clear, i'm free to get back on track with my life - thank god!

first port of call: lose the weight i tried so hard to gain. all 18lbs of it. preferably before february, but i'll take march.

secondly: see if i've actually got any friends left. after my dad had me carted off so hastily, i didn't really have time to say goodbye, and it's not like the nurses were too eager to let me stay in touch...

thirdly: erm.... i don't really know. i think i'd like to think up a really good new year's resolution, and maybe get back to uni...

i just feel really drained at the moment. a bit void of emotion. it's like i'm watching my life through someone else. i can tell when things should be sad, or funny, or painful - but i just don't feel it. i also would love nothing more than to be left alone for a while. which is really weird for me to say, coming from a LARGE family, i'm always surrounded by people and activity, and i usually love it, but at the moment, i just wish people would leave me alone and give me some space. it's bad enough they've taken my bedroom door away.

oh well. i guess it'll be 2008 soon. a new year, a new beginning... let's hope!

roxanne, x

i wanna always feel like part of this, was, mine...

2007-10-05T11:52:39Z

hay

i don't get other people. surely if you've been through everything with someone, spending close to 24hrs a day with them - then you don't shut them out completley without an explanation? well, this is what i thought. obviously i was hideously wrong. i'm not so different from last year, when we had a laugh and got on soooo well. so why all of a sudden do i feel like i have leprosey? why can't they stand to be around me? why do they pass me in the corridor and ignore me, or sit on the opposite side of the room?

i know i could make more of an effort to be a little more cheery recently. but its so freakin hard when everyone around me is busy leading their little perfect lives, complete with boyfirends, great jobs, caring families, and im stuck here. alone. completely alone. my brothers dont understand me. and it broke my dad's heart to have to send me back to the clinic this summer. i have no one. and usually im okay with that. i was raised an idependant woman (not int he cheesy destiny's child way) and im quite capable of spending looooong peroids of time alone. but lately ive been a little down, and theres not really been anything to particularly look forward to. i'm excited to re-join lectures in a fortnight, as i'll be able to see the boy i've been crushing on for the last year. he's lovely. and i really missed him this summer.

also in two weeks matthew will be back. i miss him sooooooooooooo much. he's the other-half of my life. the bestfirend anyone could ask for. and i know he's been a complete legend trying to stay intouch while he's been away, but it's not the same as having him down the road.

all i can say is, i'm seeing this as two weeks of hell, and then everything will fall back into place,

roxy, x

I trip over everything you say...

2007-10-03T12:32:14Z

man alive this has been a tough week.

serisouly thought about just walking out on everything and going on holiday. family, friends, uni, work. it's just all got ontop of me - and not in a good way.

but theres always the hope. todays the start of a new week (yes, my weeks start on wednesdays) and i have a really good feeling about this one.

I'm just gonna take things in my stride, plod along and hopefully get things right the first time (easier said than done!!!) without offending or upsetting too many people on the way...

start dance again on friday. woop woop! that'll be my highlight. haven't done it for aaaaages! nothing like a four-hour sesh in lycra, getting sweaty and shaking along to some Britney to put you in an awesome mood!

thank-you's and congratulations go to: matthew - for being a legend (as always), Jamie for rocking my socks and getting me tickets to teh Q Awards, Little James for his random yet-totally-appreciated gift, Joe for his stellar performance on tv, and....... erm..... oh yeah, everyone who helped out on the beast that was "Radio 1 established 1967" compilation cd - i owe you all some serious alcoholic beverages.

got to love you and leave you, life calls,

we were just falling about...

2007-08-17T18:18:34Z

last night was dragged to the football by my brothers. im not saying it was terrible - i like spending time with them, but theres a limit. and last night, they definatley crossed it.

five of them + plus at least three (male) mates each + all day drinking = a very scared me.

i do feel safe around them though. its like ive got my very own mafia family (we're not half as exciting as mafia people though....). guarenteed protection all the time when im home. for example me and a mate were in a bar the other day and some lads started giving us some hassle, and all of a sudden a whole group of guys jumped to our defence. was nice. very manly. like summat from a film. turns out they all know at least one of my bro's. but i guess thats me. doomed to be Little Ry forever. joy.

got a letter in the post this morning. i knew exactly what it was the moment i saw it. all white and official looking. my heart sank when i saw it on the table. apparently one of the metal fixings in my ankle isnt right, or summat and thats why ive been having all this pain when i walk, and theyre gonna have to operate again to correct it. yay for eliminating the pain. boo for the fact it'll be another week of my life lost to hospitals and physio. all i want to do is just go out and be normal. oh well.....

ever since mum, ive had weird dreams. my therapist (yes, i have a therapist, you wanna make summat of it???) says its my way of coping. hes a twat. of monumental proportions. i have this re-occuring dream that i wake up gasping for air, and theres this giant pressure weighing down on my chest, but when i look theres nothing there. i cant breathe and i cant yell for help. then i stop breathing altogether...... this is when i ACTUALLY awaken, shakey and panting. i had it again this morning. i dont know what it means...

i understand that this is reading like the most boring and pointless blog ever, but youve got to understand one thing about me - ive got nowhere else to vent. my homelife is completely male-dominated. if you mention the word "feelings" its because its related to the words "sick" or "pain". if you cry, people look at you like your a lepper. its a house littered with sports equipment, ive spent countless weekends standing on muddy pitches watching games, hours of my life wasted watching action movies where a thousand people die in the opening credits. my work life is, oh what a surprise, all-male! but these arent the athlete types, these are the sound techs and the band types. theyre all about constructive-emotion. if it'd fit well in a song or not. they love amps and effects pedals more than people. so again, no-one to talk to. this is starting to sound really whiney. im gonna stop. im not a weak or emotional person. if you met me, i highly believe you wouldnt believe i was the same person who wrote this, but its true. as ive discovered, its easy to be a boy and a girl in one. (and im not talking about the haemaphrodite-sense).

ending on a high - have a great day (or night, depending on when you read this)

smile, x

youre trying not to listen...

2007-08-15T11:53:58Z

well.... here it is. i guess. ive never, ever, ever been good with this sort of stuff. i can barely use the microwave. but nevertheless, here i am, writing away.

today so far. i woke up at home. in my bedroom. for the first time in six months. its a nice feeling. i woke in such a good mood that i didnt even mind the fact that ALL my brothers and half of yorkshire are in our living room. its still good to be home. and im not due back at work for another two weeks. oh the joy. (and that wasnt even sarcasm!)

for the rest of the day i intend on doing as little as physically possible. watching greys anatomy. might venture out and see matthew later, see how hes adjusting to life without work. then, if i honestly cant think of ANYTHING else id rather do, i guess i better pop in and visit luke. might clean my room, cut the grass, defrost the fridge, get a haircut, clean the attic (i promised dad id do that four years ago) and cook dinner first though....

the weirdest things not being back at home, its actually seeing everyone else. meeting up with people i went to school with is the worst. although they all go to universitys all over the country, theyre still waaaay too close. itslike nothings changed. at all. which suck because i have. ive completely changed. and i guess i dont really fit in anymore. which is a shame when i think about it. but there comes a time when you have to grow up and stop giggling about boys, going to the same clubs and bars we went to when we were 16, and talking about more than whether "new highlights would make claire look too much like that one from big brother". im sorry, can you repeat that last bit, i didnt catch it, i passed out with the boredom.

anyway, im off to unpack and possible do some laundry...

x